They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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