She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
