If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
