I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
