I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
