my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
