her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
