my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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