Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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