she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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