There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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