I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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