Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
