I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
