She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
