Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
