i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
