Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
