apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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