Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
