when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
