is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
