I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
