omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my shit smells like andre
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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