Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
