just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
