i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize