The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
