Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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