running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
