my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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