I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
