if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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