So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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