I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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