My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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