Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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