also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
