I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
