Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
