I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
