please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
