Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
