wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
