i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
