foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just gift wrapped bread.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
