i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
