At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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