I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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