I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
