i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
