What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
