Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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