Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
