I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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