I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
